WHY PERFECTIONISTS HATE KARAOKE (ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS)

            Even putting aside the obvious fact that karaoke is where one goes to hear singing done exceedingly badly by non-singers who have no business crooning so much as a single note outside of their own private showers, there is still another reason why perfectionists despise karaoke. It's because the very foundation of the process removes the superb example of the professional singer or singers that the would-be imitator should follow, thereby abandoning the monotone's voice to wander aimlessly in a hopeless search for the assistance that he so sorely needs. It would be like stealing the crutches from under the broken-legged man. This is needlessly cruel and utterly unnecessary.

            When I was the musical child of musical parents, their pride lay in my ability to match, to mimic, the original expert singer, not only in his tonal quality, but also in his inflection, volume, and even his foreign accent (if there was one). They declared that I was most successful when I mimicked The Moody Blues and The Electric Light Orchestra, even though I am female. They also pronounced me a smashing success when I imitated the inspiring soundtrack of Gershwin's Porgy And Bess, even though I am White. Now how could they confirm my accurate mimicry? By having me prove myself via the simultaneity of the original singer right there alongside me, of course. I had to prove that, not only did I produce the right note at the exact right instant, but that I gave it the same emphasis and nuance and accent of the original. There could be no fudging with so stringent a test. I was also proving, at the same time, that I had perfectly memorized the lyrics, and was not merely reading them on a cheat-sheet, which is yet another blunder in karaoke: it is truly the lazy-person's version of singing.

            Someone once told me that the original vocals are removed in karaoke so that the amateur can try to "top" the professional singer. "Best" him at his own game??? What inexcusable arrogance! One might as well try to out-paint Rembrandt while attempting to paint the artist's own masterpieces!

            Bluntly, throughout my childhood, karaoke was something that my parents made endless fun of, and I grew up doing the same.